Home Alone Again

This is a fine day. It is still cold here despite the heat of the sun outside. Nami gid ni manglaba kay grabe ang siga sang adlaw. Anyway, i've done what is supposed to be done. This is to free myself from guilt of being just here in the apartment. Everyone is at work except me. Home alone. But i will start working again this coming monday.

I've done the laundry, i've finished cleaning our room and my sister's room. Actually i'm planning to clean pa the toilet and the shower room pero later nalang na. I'll do it before i take my shower this afternoon. Naga concentrate ko di sa blog ko but my sister-in-law calls me every now and then sa phone. Well, pareho kami nga duha subong home alone.

My thought is taking me to sam and gelay in the Philippines. Even when i'm at work, i can't help but think of them. Everyday i'm dreaming that my children are with us here. I'm sure Gelay will enjoy going to children's amusements with papa. This is what she likes most everytime we go to Robinsons in Bacolod. I'm sure the two will enjoy making snowman with the other kids. Oh, how they are going to love the colorfull lollipops from the store. Of course mama and papa send them goodies every now and then, but it is different when they're with us here. This is just a dream for now , but i know it will happen soon.

I always thank God for blessing me with two kids. But sometimes i can't help asking Him why i am deprived of my right to be with them. Each moment is special, yet i am not there to enjoy it. I know that God has a purpose in everything that happens to our life. I wanted to know this purpose.

Now, i just ignore the pain of not seeing them grow. Last christmas, against my husband's will (although he agreed in the end), i went home to the Philippines to celebrate christmas with my family. For the children specially. Christmas season demands a higher price for the tickets, but i know i cannot buy the happiness of being with them. Sam is growing too fast. He was just one month old when i left him. I wanted to feel how it is carrying him again while he is still small. the next time i will see him, maybe he could already walk by himself. How much i've missed of being a mother. So many smile i've missed. So many funny gestures Sam proudly did . The first time Sam is able to walk. Angela having a student -parent activities in school. All these...makes me so guilty of not beeing there.

I wanted Sam to sleep in my lullabyes. I wanted Angela to sleep after bedtime stories. I wanted them to feel my hug when they're asleep. I wanted to kiss them good morning when they wake up. I wanted to be with them in every moment. How painful it is for a mother not to see her children while growing up. Sometimes thought of staying in the Philippines for good crosses my mind despite the fact nga i won't be able to give them enough if ever i decide. Maybe a little less is fine with them as long as i am there.