My Life Away From Home

It was in year 2000 when I arrived here in Japan. Two years after I graduated from college. Never in my whole life did i ever think of going to other countries. But here i am, for eight long years, been living this life away from home.

My dream sent me to where i am now. This is what i say to myself every time i wonder why i am here. My dreams.What dreams? Dreams for my family. This is what I reasoned to my best friend when she asked me why i had to go away.Then she said, "if that is how you think you can reach your dreams, then go". Some years after, she told me how life had been after i have gone. And this is how my life has been since then...

My life drastically changed, for so many reasons. But my world remained the same. So this requires a lot of adjustments to myself . How can i still be a cat when all the others around are dogs? Should i be a dog like them? This has become one of my greatest struggles here. For someone like me, how could i ever face this kind of world everyday? I was not use to this. I didn't even know this until it happened.

So i cried, almost everyday. Working in a strange place, with different people. I was young then, only 23. I was looking for someone whom i can sensibly talk with. My cousins were here but also far. I didn't know how to speak Japanese that time. I can't understand their songs. I can't understand what i was watching on television. I wanted to eat in McDonald's but the staff could not understand what i wanted, so, i end up going home hungry.

Everyday, i wished for someone i could meet to become my friend. I was so lonely. My daily routine was so boring for me. It was really a sacrifice. This was the time when i said to myself "i was living my life out of time". It seemed like i was existing alone. Nobody knew i existed at that moment. There was just so much in life that i missed.

It was only after a couple of months later that i learned damu man di gali Filipinos like me. It brought a spark of joy in my heart, knowing that there were actually some people who lived a little closer to my world. I started to share my life with these newly found friends. I was hoping i could depend on them in the dark times of my life. To my surprise, i found out eventually that they were the people pulling me down. This happened to me so many times. I got frustrated. But this is how life is here. Take it or leave it kind of thing. If you want to keep going, you need to be strong.

Now i wonder if other Filipinos from other countries abroad experienced same kind of thing. I was thinking of how wonderful it would be if we go along together instead of pulling down each other. But then, i want to know why. Why this things happened. In America, not anybody can go there. You have to be at least a college graduate if you want to work, or something like that. Here in japan, maski wala ka ka agi grade one as long as may dugo ka ka hapon, you can have a chance to stay and live here. Well, it's an opportunity, isn't it? The problem is, sometimes when you get to work with some of these people nga i shall say, no educational background, they can really upset you . I know it's not right to judge other people. I am just saying what i feel about them. They gave me a hard time in my stay here. Specially during those times when i had yet to learn my Japanese language. I thought they were going to be my voice when i needed someone to defend myself from yet another struggle that i had to face with the other races here. People treated the new ones rudely, specially if you don't know how to speak Japanese. It was just a tough world for me in the beginning. This is why, i told my best friend in one of our phone conversations some time ago, no one is like her. Not even a little closer.

My experience here taught me when to trust people, and whom to trust to. I don't want to feel sorry in the end regretting of sharing something about myself to someone that i thought my friend. I 'd rather loose myself into my quiet world than join a group of others talking about someone else's life. Now. i'm not afraid of what other people will say about me. I've learned my lesson well.

This kind of life here made me compare how my life was back then. My simple life. My life with my friends. My life of watching Dawson's creek at night. My life of burning the night away making poems. The nights of endless telebabads with friends. And reading, this used to be in my world before. Now, i've lost interest in it. I don't even make poems. I've stopped writing. I don't even know how to speak English . Since most of the Japanese people don't speak English, no one will understand me even if i'll just say "what's you're name?".

But after eight long years of living away from home, with so many things missed as being part of it, with so many ups and downs, and cries and laughter and stories to tell, i am still the same person as my folks knew. Some things might have changed, like my everyday routine, my priorities in life, what i want in life, my circle of friends, and some other things. But the person inside me just remained the same.

Nanay, My Wind Beneath My Wings

It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.



So i was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.



Did you ever know that you're my hero,
and everything i would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.



It might appeared to go unnoticed,
but i've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know i know the truth, of course i know it.
I would be nothing without you.



Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everyhting i wish i could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my wings.



Did i ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everithing i wish i could be.
Oh, and i, i could fly higher than an eagle,
for you are the wind beneath my my wings.



Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high i almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.




This song is so special to me. I always sing this in my heart, for my mother. She may not hear it though, but this one really, really describes my feelings for her.

Since the time i could remember, my mother always wnted to give all the best to me,even if it will cause her pain. Pain is nothing to her than seeing me shine.

She may not know it, but she's everything i really wish i could be, for my children. I think i can never equal the love she gave and the sacrifices she did for me and for my other siblings. Only God is the ever witness of her sufferings for showing us what real love is.

My mother never grow tired of loving us until now, much more to my son and daughter, her grandchildren. When my patience run out for Sam when he cries endlessly at night, she is always at my side , her eyes saying "you seem tired, let me do it". Then she'll take Sam in her arms and Sam then would stop crying in no time.

My mother is my great teacher in silence. She's not an outspoken one. In fact, she seldom speaks. When times get rough, like when i did something wrong and needed to be reprimanded, she just looks me in the eye as if saying she's hurt. This makes me feel so sorry.

No one can hear my mother's heart when it is breaking. I guess i got my being passive (when it comes to feelings)from her. I don't make it like a big deal to everyone when i get hurt. When i cry, i do it alone. I don't want other people see me cying. This is why i say my world is so deep only a few people can fathom.

after openning her gifts,

gel asked me to take

picture of her wearing

the accesories she got

from one of her titas.

My dream...my favorite... wala lang...

I got this idea from cat when i read her "my dream car "post. Nami no. I find it interesting to do.

1. My dream house- -my dream house is an american house. The red brick house with white roof, white window frame and white short wooden fence outside. It is a two storey house. The window is made of crystal with white soft flowing curtain hanging. In the front main door, there is an old european bench with an old european built-in lamp. Oh, how inviting from the outside.
2. My dream car--My dream car is Mazda's Demio model. I first saw this when George's nephew bought one. From then on, i easily recognize car of this kind along the street . It really looks comfortable inside and out. And the shape is sporty. Actually dark red is my favorite color, however, mazda demio only comes in black. It's so spacious inside. It is ideal when you have kids.
3. My dream christmas get-together -party--I've been dreaming of this party since i came here in japan. Parang i missed my family so much that i wanted us to have a really big happy party. The house will be filled with christmas decors. The christmas tree will also be filled with big ribbons (just like what nanay wants). Under it will be lots of presents for everyone we know. Of course, there will be lots of hmmmm...super delicious food and drinks. Gel and Nicole will be wearing same nice outfit. Addy and Sam too. Oh, how wonderful.

The following are only my favorites.

• Favorite shoes--Le Donne is nice kay classic but it wont cost you too much. It is also very comfortable when you wear it. Sa rubber shoes naman oh yes, i will always go for puma. No other rubber shoes feels this comfy. I have three pairs of them.
• Favorite bag-- I want something soft to carry. I like Anne''s brown Dolce &Gab na bag given by hubby Ren on her birthday. Smarty bag.
• Favorite cake--of course, the ever chocolate cake sang Bob's. Super namit sang fillings. Hmmm. yummy....
• Favorite food--Diri sa japan , ang paborito ko di kaunon beef yakiniku(thin slice of beef nga gin sugba dason gin butangan sang delicious sauce), ramen, sashimi(japanese rice nga may fresh something sa babaw as toppings.fresh fish or shrimp), and syempre, onigiri(rice nga gin bilog with tuna and mayonaise inside. dason gin putos sang nori(seaweed nga gin dry and formed like a sheet of paper).
• Favorite music--I'd go for anything as long as maka-relate ko. One is i miss you by klymaxx. I also like Dan Hill's songs kay ka sincere sang lyrics pati voice.
• Favorite movie--I've watched The Notebook over and over again and i want to wach it again.
• Favorite hour--mga around seven pm is my favorite hour kay this is the time i usually do my household chores. I love doing it kay i do it for the people dear to me.

Favorite wala lang.....

• drink--water or juice. i don't really drink softdrinks.
• shampoo-- now i use lux super rich kay bagay sa buhok ko. it makes it a little softer.
• body soap-- johnsons body wash kay super hamut. George also likes it to the maxxx. So bubbly . Joey introduced it to us. Gin ubos na ni george iya johnsons so i bought a big one. hehe..
• lotion-- pleasures by bath and body works. i never knew it until my sister-in-law gave me a set when she came home from the states. It has different scents. i like vanilla most. geroge wants it too. joey likes it too. ay ti. akon ni ya bala. i gave joey some other scent instead. she really likes vanilla so much. the scented candle in her room is vanilla. the toilet freshener she bought is vanilla. the car freshener she gave to george is vanilla. yesterday i bought her a vanilla fantasy lotion from don quijote. i hope she's contented with it.
• book--maski ano lang basta it interests me. siling gani ni anne budlay ko kuno kay seldom bala sa books nga pag-open mo interesting dayon. Pero ang Torrent is my favorite of all gid. How i wish someday i can say maeve binchy is my favorite . Anne introduced this to me so many times. Wala lang gid ko ya time to read . Pero sa nakita ko sa collection ni cat nga maeve binchy daw gusto ko i-try.
• classmate in high school--Rosemarie Elarmo. we made a deal to tell each other ahead of time kung mag absent ang isa sa amon kay indi man magsulod ang isa. one day, she told me she's not coming in the afternoon kay lain pamatyag ya. so i didn't go as well. it turned out nga okey naman sya sang hapon so she went to the afternoon class. Ay ti, nami eh, ako pa ya ang wala ka sulod sang hapon. hehe...
• time with Sam--when i lul him to sleep. he then closes his eyes then opens a little to see me. closes again until he finally goes to sleep.
• time with gelay--i like it when we're inside the taxi going to robinsons. Gelay is so excited she goes babbling about anything . She likes what she's seeing along the street. I can see happiness in her eyes.
• pants--ahay, kung maka hambal lang ni ang akon nga blue jeans, dugay na ni nagpakitlu-oy sa akon nga untatan ko na sya usar kay nag kalagisi na ni. I had it since 2002. Super comfortable and what i like most is the cut. it really fits well on me. This is what i wear everytime i go home sa philippines and even sa pagbalik. I still use it until now but once in a while nalang so as not to totally make it so worn out.
• wallet--believe it or not the wallet i'm using now is already ten years old. A calvin klein wallet i bought from robinsons in 1998. Super bakod nga wallet. Some friewnds gave me wallet but i still use my calvin klein. i can't imagine myself using another one. subuan ko nga i pahigad ni ang daan ko for a new one. may sound weird pero toud. i'll carry it with me as long as pwede pa magamit.

Some funny things I sometimes do

I ended doing my blog early yesterday kay i needed to buy some stuff my husband geroge listed for me to buy. In the list are:

1. coke
2. natchan orange juice
3. dishwashing liquid
4. chlorox
5. downy fabric conditioner
6. plastic wrap

So i went out of the apartment around 2:30. While driving, naga ragukruk na tyan ko gali sang ka gutom. Subong ko lang nabatyagan. Imagine, the last time i ate was when i had breakfast with george at 7am. I wanted to drive through sa mcdonalds but then siling ko i'll try to avoid spending. Anyway mapuli man ko dayon sa balay, i will eat there nalang.

First, i went to Don Quijote store. Nami na di sya kay everything is here. Parang it's a small store with everything you need. From cosmetic accesories to clothes. They have shoes, bags, electronic gadgets, jewelries, food, gym accesories, anything. It is very easy here kay it doesn't require a lot of walking kay pag balikid mo sa piyak ara na da gina-pangita mo dayon.

I went to the laundry product area right away. Pili pili ko sang downy. There is a scent sang downy that i really want to buy, galing kay na confuse ko kung ano to nga scent. April fresh or ocean breeze. Nahuya na ko gani kay basi may makakita sa akon kag masaling kag-ina pa nada ang simhut -simhut ya wala pa gyapon naka-kuha. Daw gin pang-simhutan nya na da tanan nga downy.So what i did, i went to the beverages to look for george's natchan orange juice. Ang scent sang lain lain nga downy ara na nagtapik sa ilong ko. As in everywhere i go, i smell downy. Ay ti. Bitbit ko lang gyapon ang april fresh nga downy. Libot ko na ang sa drinks, wala nachan juice. So i went back to the downy. I put back the april fresh and took the ocean breeze instead. Tiid tiid pa ko kay basi may maka kita naman sa akon.When I looked at my back, the sales attendant nga lalaki standing in the cash counter was smiling at me. Wala lang, deadma lang ko. I grabed the joy dishwashing liquid and the zonrox and hurriedly paid.

Next, i went to 100 yen shop store. Here, everything you see is worth 100 yen. Just like the P99 shop in makati square. I was looking for pang trap sa cockroach. This is what they use here for roaches. Last night nakibot ko may small cockroach nga nag kamang sa akon. Small manalang di ang mga ipis. The biggest is like the smallest fingernail. they don't really grow big like the ones we usually have in the phil. Iyawan ko pangita ti wala, so guha nalang ko.

Lastly, i stopped by the drugstore hoping to find what i'm looking for. I know they have it here but you just need to pay a little more. Sige nalang. I paid the price almost twice . Then I hurriedly went back home kay grabe na gid ang kagutom. I ate potato, ham and cheese wrappers(something like shawarma sa aton, lain lang iya unod). After this, i cooked na for our dinner.

Home Alone Again

This is a fine day. It is still cold here despite the heat of the sun outside. Nami gid ni manglaba kay grabe ang siga sang adlaw. Anyway, i've done what is supposed to be done. This is to free myself from guilt of being just here in the apartment. Everyone is at work except me. Home alone. But i will start working again this coming monday.

I've done the laundry, i've finished cleaning our room and my sister's room. Actually i'm planning to clean pa the toilet and the shower room pero later nalang na. I'll do it before i take my shower this afternoon. Naga concentrate ko di sa blog ko but my sister-in-law calls me every now and then sa phone. Well, pareho kami nga duha subong home alone.

My thought is taking me to sam and gelay in the Philippines. Even when i'm at work, i can't help but think of them. Everyday i'm dreaming that my children are with us here. I'm sure Gelay will enjoy going to children's amusements with papa. This is what she likes most everytime we go to Robinsons in Bacolod. I'm sure the two will enjoy making snowman with the other kids. Oh, how they are going to love the colorfull lollipops from the store. Of course mama and papa send them goodies every now and then, but it is different when they're with us here. This is just a dream for now , but i know it will happen soon.

I always thank God for blessing me with two kids. But sometimes i can't help asking Him why i am deprived of my right to be with them. Each moment is special, yet i am not there to enjoy it. I know that God has a purpose in everything that happens to our life. I wanted to know this purpose.

Now, i just ignore the pain of not seeing them grow. Last christmas, against my husband's will (although he agreed in the end), i went home to the Philippines to celebrate christmas with my family. For the children specially. Christmas season demands a higher price for the tickets, but i know i cannot buy the happiness of being with them. Sam is growing too fast. He was just one month old when i left him. I wanted to feel how it is carrying him again while he is still small. the next time i will see him, maybe he could already walk by himself. How much i've missed of being a mother. So many smile i've missed. So many funny gestures Sam proudly did . The first time Sam is able to walk. Angela having a student -parent activities in school. All these...makes me so guilty of not beeing there.

I wanted Sam to sleep in my lullabyes. I wanted Angela to sleep after bedtime stories. I wanted them to feel my hug when they're asleep. I wanted to kiss them good morning when they wake up. I wanted to be with them in every moment. How painful it is for a mother not to see her children while growing up. Sometimes thought of staying in the Philippines for good crosses my mind despite the fact nga i won't be able to give them enough if ever i decide. Maybe a little less is fine with them as long as i am there.

Feeling Sorry

This is the second day since i resigned from my job. I am quite sad but relieved. Sad because it means my husband has to drive alone in the morning and in the evening. Relieved kay it means indi ko na makita ang mga tawo nga hard to be around with. Yes it's hard to work with people with different culture. My husband told me nga kapilian kuno sa akon. No, it is not so much with the work that matters. I consider the people around me as one of the important factors in getting into a job. It is not easy to work all day pleasing the people around you every minute. So stressful. It makes me hard to get up from bed in the morning.

Sa starbucks coffee with ogie.
Nalipay lang ko nga nag snow.
Joey is obviously enjoying in the snow.
Sige joey, take your time. Damo pa da snow.

My Everyday Routine

How do i spend my day? Here's how:

• 6:15-6:30am--making muni muni first before i totally get up from bed.
• 6:30-7:00am--preparing food for breakfast.
• 7:00-7:15am--my husband and i eat our breakfast together.
• 7:30------------time to leave the apartment for work.

My work starts at 8am and ends at 5pm. I take my lunchbreak between 12nn-1pm.

• 7pm------------this is the time i usually get home.
• 7pm-8pm------preparing food for dinner. my husband will arrive soon.
• 8pm-9pm------at around this time, my husband george and i have have our dinner together. dala na di and cleaning the house and doing the laundry.
• 9pm-9:30pm--taking a warm shower.
• 9:30pm--------i'm in bed at this time. usually watching tv with george. sometimes scrambling with my endless magazines given by my so ever thoughtful and generous sister-in-law. she really loves mag. my pile of magazines here is the proof. these are all hers. hehe..
• 11pm-----------goodnight. sleep tight. wake up bright, in the morning light.

That was the phrase i use to say to anne before sleeping.

Stuff For Lil Sam

george and i had a great time yesterday. we went out to buy some stuff for the kids. my father told me in the phone that lil sam is now learning how to walk. wow, i'm so happy imagining him running around the sala with his andador on. since he now can walk with his andador, papa bought him one pair of shoes. tita joey also bought one pair, so duha na. i also bought him nice socks to pair with his shoes. we actually wanted to buy some clothes for sam, the problem is we cant find something which he can use kay everything nga naka display now is winter clothes. it is still winter here. so, maybe next time nalang ang mga shorts and shirts.

we went to the toy section. abaw, george and i were arguing pa what toy to buy. i wanted something na educational. siya naman wanted something na interesting. ay ti. in the end, what we bought was a white rabbit toy nga pwede nya ma kagat. may sound pa. ok man.

The Snow

It's so nice to see the snow again. This is the first time nga nag snow again since last winter. Medyo dyutay lang galing. unlike before nga you can't see anything on the ground except snow. Basi next time it will fall a little more.

Si joey and vivian are also busy taking pictures of themselves.

taking a day off

i was already thinking yesterday to take this day off para maka rest. it is very cold here kay nag snow maybe twice na since last week. we took pictures of course. it's there in the cam pa and maybe i'll post it here soon. today is one of the coldest winters here for me. it's nice that the snow didn't fall that much, otherswise, it will be hard for us to go to work because the raod will be covered with snow. it's quite dangerous specially if the tire is not a snowtire. our's is not.


i had so many things to put here since last week pa, wala lang ko time. well, like everyone else, i'm so busy with work. that's one reason why i did'nt go to work today. medyo di mayo ang pamatyag ko with the people i work with. in this country where i am working, there's a lot of other foreigners like me . most of these foreigners have japanese blood (like me). unlike other countries like canada or amerika or korea, here in japan, ther's no yaya or maid or anything like that(japanese people don't like the idea of having other people join them in their household). it's hard either to work here as a nurse or a teacher if you have this kind of proffesion. japanese don't really speak english so it's hard to communicate with them.


in my observation, brazilians are the biggest number of foreigners here. followed by peruans and filipinos. most of these foreigners have japanese bloods. some time ago, the japanese went to their countries for some reasons and got married to their native women. now, i am one of the descendants. my father is a son of a japanese. everyone of us in the family can get a visa to enter japan. all my cousins in my father's side are here. my siblings are here too. soon, my children will be joinning us here when my husband and i get to process their visas. george(my husband) likes the idea of his other friends who have their children here. some even go to japanese schools. but then, i was thinking, we won't be here for the rest of our lives.


going back to why i did'nt go to work now. i am upset with these two japanese women in my work. they are for God sake, not suppose to go to work anymore because of their age. one is almost 80 years old and the other is i guess 70 years old. i treated them so well from the beggining. with all respect an old women is supposed to be treated. i was so shocked. my god, i mean daw na luoy ko nga daw na init. their words were so harsh. i have encountered a lot of not so nice japanses people but these two, grabe. i am not saying anything bad about the japanses . my grandfather is also a japanese like them.
how can people live a life everyday without love. how can anyone last a day without even a single smile. it makes me sad. well, everyone's not the same. yes, we are different people here with different culture, but i guess our hearts beat just the same. i asked God to give me more wisdom to understand these two elders. more patience. and i asked God to tell myself that everything's just fine. tomorrow i will be seeing them again. maybe this time, it's going to be a little more comfortable.


in my work, there's two peruans one vietnam, one brazilian, four japanese two of wich are kind, and a filipino who is me. hehe. everyone can speak japanese quite well. but then it is different to work with your kababayan. but then again, ok man din because you get to know other people from different countries. it's an experience. however, working with other people from different countries is quite self adjusting. it is fine with me working with the vietnam. we almost have the same traditions. ano naman sila, kind. although the language is totally different. with the peruans and brazilians, i find them a little braggy. sometimes they're so manipulative. they have a very very strong personality. i don't say all of them in fairness. but my filipino friends here feel almost the same with regards to how the peruans and brazilians carry themselves. sometimes it becomes a struggle to me everyday. important is i know who i am.


oh, i haven't tell you yet what i do here. most of my past jobs were called "kensa". meaning ""check". before, i worked for two years in a carparts producing company. in my department, i was checking the case of the car navigator. i mean quality check if it can pass the standard quality. we know that japan is one of the best quality producing countries . so product checking is very important. in my present job , i check the handle of the car door. it's quite boring, but í guess it pays (i won't be here if it doesn't). the work is so easy but i guess what's more stressfull is the people around . it takes a lot of patience.


it is really very cold now. i wear socks and everything but the cold still sucks me. whoa! i switch the heater on in my room peru tugnaw gyapon. i am in my sister's room now. i just make pakialam with her computer now. she's at work pa naman until 7, so i'm still free here. hehe.